he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize