Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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