I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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