The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
