I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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