I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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