Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
