Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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