I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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