The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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