I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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