my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
