I skipped work to stalk him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
