New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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