No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
