Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
