A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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