Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
