mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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