were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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