I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
