When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
