david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
