96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how do flat chested girls get laid?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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