Apparently you make a good broom.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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