You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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