just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
