Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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