i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
