Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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