Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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