The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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