Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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