I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
