he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
