note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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