I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got inside last night via doggy door
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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