But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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