she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
