Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
