i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
