how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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