There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
