This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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