i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
