my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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