I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
