Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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