Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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