I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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