My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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