I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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