I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Are we still banned from the library?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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