dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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