i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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