i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We have so much sex to catch up on
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize