maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
