plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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