DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
