My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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