if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
