When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
