it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
